A breastfeeding update

(You can read my previous posts about breastfeeding here)

When Luke was 17 months old I was already a few months pregnant with Kevin. Knowing the many benefits of extended breastfeeding (and having a family member with breast cancer at the time) made me want to keep going for a while. However that was when Luke was diagnosed with food allergies and while pregnant I did not want to be overwhelmed by modifying my diet as well as his.

So I weaned Luke. I thought it would be a much harder process than it was. At that point he was nursing twice a day (morning and night) and I slowly started shortening our nursing sessions. We let go of the morning session and then kept cutting down the nighttime one. There were tears from both of us but after a few weeks we were down to one minute. I cherished that very last session. The next day he asked to nurse once, I said no, he cried for a moment and that was that!

Kevin came along and started nursing like a champ just like Luke did. I was so relieved.

I had more than enough milk with Luke (I donated over 1,200 oz) and seemed to have plenty this time with Kevin. However, after my time in the hospital with my kidney stone and high blood pressure my milk dropped significantly.  Kevin was only 2-3 months old and I barely had enough milk to feed him and my frozen milk stash was almost depleted.

I asked around if anyone had any spare milk and had three friends offer to donate to us. This time I was on the receiving end of milk sharing (which is a pretty common practice) and then I knew how grateful the families I donated to might have felt. It took such a burden from me to know Kevin was provided for.

My friends who donated are all women I have known for years. I know them. I know their lifestyles and I trust them. It is necessary to use caution when milk sharing and I felt 100% sure that this milk was safe for my baby or we would not have used it. 

Kevin continued to grow and grow with the donated milk. I would use 2-3oz of donated milk in a bottle for daycare and then added several ounces my own milk. Kevin didn't seem to notice the difference. At home I continued exclusively breastfeeding and my milk slowly started coming back up. Before I knew it we made it to my first breastfeeding goal of 12 months!

Kevin is now 14 months old and receives breast milk 3 times a day (morning, after daycare, before bed and occasionally in the middle of the night if he wakes) Like his brothers he seems to be intolerant of cow's milk so I don't plan on stopping soon because it still is a vital part of his growth. He's currently not even on the growth chart at 18.5lbs but he IS growing and developing. He's petite like his oldest brother so his doctor and I are not concerned about his weight.

Our nursing sessions are so precious to me. It's a moment during the day that is our time. It allows me a way to bond with my toddler who I don't see much during the busy work week. I feel like it's our calm in the storm that our house becomes with three very active boys moving all of the time.

So for now we'll just keep on keepin' on.

Nursing at around 7 months after getting bilateral ear tubes.

The Why

Well Hello.

I've been absent for quite a while on this little blog but my mind has been busy pondering it.

I wasn't sure what I want out of this. If I've been sharing too many things, too personal things. What Nathan might think about it when he's a bit older. The reason behind a blog. What I get out of it and what good it does. The "why" behind sharing a piece of yourself.

What good does it do? I'd lie if I said no good came from it. I enjoy writing although I'm not a writer. I know of friends who have shared my breastfeeding stories with a new mom or people who have been encouraged by identifying with my parenting struggles. So yes, good has come from this and I think it's something I personally need. 

After all- we have a voice like never before in this technology soaked world. We have a stage and I think it's a personal choice to use it or not. However if we choose to use this stage (no matter the size of the audience) I think it comes with a certain amount of responsibility.

So I will be intentionally blogging more except after a few months of reflection it may be a bit different of a tone. I want to be true to myself with what I blog. I want to be vulnerable and personal yet not share anything that my family would consider private. I want to encourage (something that does not come naturally to me yet I am SO uplifted by my friends who are encouragers) and I want to glorify God. And if I make someone cry or laugh along the way that's even better.

Mostly I just want to remember. Photos and story telling are the best tools for that. 

So- I'll be back :)

Owning the Overwhelmed

Until recently there was a very bad pattern going on in our house. It'll call it the Sunday Evening Freak Out. It is what it sounds like. 

Saturdays I am tired from the work week and either somewhat lazy or busy that day. Sunday rolls around and calm Amanda goes to church and enjoys lunch. 

Nathan says something funny. Calm Amanda laughs.

I nurse the baby and stroke his cheek. Calm Amanda smiles.

And then somewhere around 5pm I glance at the clock and my DNA changes.

IT'S 5:00 ALREADY?!?!?!?!?!

I disappear and that Amanda comes out from hiding. 

You know. She looks something like this.

The Amanda who suddenly realizes that TOMORROW is Monday and ohmygoooossssh I have nothing ready for the week. Laundry, dishes, dust goes flying. Cooking, cleaning, bottles to be made. "Don't dare ask me anything or talk to me unless you are bleeeding!!!". 

I would FREAK out. Suddenly everything HAD to be done and everything had to be done RIGHT NOW! 

You know, right? What that's like?

What a horrible way to start the work week?!?!

A few weeks ago I was in the midst of a Sunday Evening Freak Out when I heard a blood curdling scream. The type of scream that comes from someone's soul. I heard it but didn't see where it was coming from because my eyes were closed. 

The scream faded and I opened my eyes. Marcus and the boys were staring at me with wide eyes and open mouths.

The scream had come from me.

As my own shock faded I thought to myself this is not acceptable behavior. 

God used that moment to change my heart (more on that later).

I feel overwhelmed a lot, like a tornado is spinning around me. It's rarely about big things. Those things tend to elicit an "oh it will be fine!" attitude from me (like when Marcus and I found ourselves both unemployed with a 10 month old baby Nathan) It's the little things around me that make me feel that way. Or the bigger worldly issues I see on the news.

Last night I was feeling like I was drowning in all of the to-dos again and this morning I woke up to see a FB status of a dear friend who had put into words exactly how I had been feeling. 

She said, among other things, that she wishes she could feel put together for just one day. (I'd like to quote her actual post once I get the okay from her)

I wanted to hug her and then yell from the mountain tops, "Enough!! We ALL feel this way on a regular basis and we all hate it. It has to stop!"

And then it dawned on me that not only do we all feel overwhelmed, but that we always ARE going to feel overwhelmed because WE CARE.

Everything that overwhelms me is because I care deeply about it and that's a good thing.

I get overwhelmed when a loved one is upset with me- because I care about their feelings and our relationship.

I get overwhelmed when my two year old keeps getting out of bed- because I care about him getting enough sleep (and I care about getting some "me" time to sit on my butt after a long day.)

I get overwhelmed by not having much one on one time with my husband because I care about my marriage.

I get overwhelmed meal planning because I care about the health of my family.

I get overwhelmed balancing work and family because they both are important to me and a part of my identity.

I get overwhelmed at the gym because I'm the new girl and I care about getting healthier.

I get overwhelmed when my house looks like chaos because I care about order, cleanliness, and being able to find the things we need when we need it.

I get overwhelmed about poverty, abuse, injustice, abortion, slavery, hunger, politics, the environment. 

If you are alive. If you live on this earth. If you care about ANYTHING. You WILL be overwhelmed!!!

What if every day I wake up and instead of hoping for things to go smoothly, instead of wishing my kids obeyed and there was no drama in my life- I embraced the overwhelmed? 

What if I expected to be overwhelmed? At home, at work, at the gym. 

What if I owned it? Not in a pessimistic view of "something is going to go wrong like it always does" but just in a realistic point of view. As long as I care, it IS going to happen and I get to choose how I react. 

Today I started to brainstorm about the positive things that come from being overwhelmed (if you have ever wondered what the hygienist is thinking while she cleans your teeth- it's stuff like this)

When I am overwhelmed I...

1)...depend more on God. I am not able to do all that I desire because I am not capable. I'm not designed to be everything wrapped up in one package. I'm designed to worship the One who is.

2) ...assess what's really important to me. If it's something that stresses me out that I have no business doing and no good comes from it then maybe it's time to let it go.

3) ...learn to ask for help. I am blessed when I help others. I feel like I made a difference to them. How many times have I robbed other people of the same blessing by letting my pride get in the way of my asking for help? There are times to brush off your pants, get back up and do it alone. But there are other times it's good to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness.

4) ...am more in tune when others feel the same way. I identify with them and try to encourage.

5) ...make changes. I love the quote circling around that says "if it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you."

Remember my recent scream in a moment of frustration?

God started working in my heart to analyze why I reacted that way and He pointed out the weekly pattern of stressing out on Sunday evenings. 

The next day at dinner I made no excuses but apologized to my family and suggested some changes. I asked for more help around the house and chores for the kids. I suggested we work together on Saturday to do the things that need to be done for the week so we can all focus on spending Sundays together as a family. 

The following Sunday we took the older boys sledding for the first time and I laughed and laughed as we flew down the slushy hills. We all need to rest and to make time for the things we love and I had been denying myself that. I hope soon to get back to painting and Sunday evenings sound like a perfect time to work on the painting I started 2 1/2 years ago.

I hope God overwhelms me everyday.

Because the day I stop being overwhelmed means I stopped caring about something very important.

Own it.

Hello!

I know, I know, I disappeared for a bit.

I'm still here. Things are good. Holidays were wonderful but still not quite done yet (still have some family members to celebrate with that was delayed due to sick kids and/or weather) It's sort of nice prolonging Christmas. Something to look forward to.

A lot has been on my heart lately. I've felt more introverted which means feeling less like sharing. There have been a bunch of "aha!!!" moments lately in different areas of my life. Usually after a period of reflecting I get in the mood to share and I want to. Yet at the same time I'm sort of struggling with "sharing"...here...for the whole world to see. Well, I know not many read this but it's still out there yanno?

Been cooking A LOT. Dinner almost every night which is a change from when I used to cook maybe 2-3 times a week. We're eating out less, taking lunch to work, and eating a bunch of yummy food. And chocolate. You can never forget to mention chocolate :) 

Lifestyle changes rock when it means a healthier you on the inside which always reflects in many ways on the outside. For too long I've seen people make good changes, knowing we should as well but making excuses. Yes I don't start making dinner til after 6 and we don't usually eat til after 7pm but I've been making it work. But anyways- didn't intend to post about all of that today but maybe I will soon.

But yeeeeeep. Just wanted to say hi.

So...hi ;)

Boring blog post out!

Merry Christmas!

Hands off kid!

Each year, around Christmas time, I buy a box of these...

Chocolate Covered Cherries!!!!

I purchase them in the store, looking over my should like I'm doing something absolutely sinful. Giggling on the inside.

I bring them home and, glancing left and right, I secretly tear open the box. 

I eat one while standing up at the kitchen counter. Only one. And each day I eat one until they are all gone.

Then the next year around Christmas I'll do the same thing.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Are they my favorite? Nope. They're just "okay" actually. The dark chocolate kind is a little better than the milk chocolate.

You see...my mom loves these chocolate covered cherries and always bought them around this time of year for herself. But when I was a kid she NEVER let me have one. Ever. EVVVVEEEER. 

I'd ask. She said no. I began to know them as "mommy's candy, hands off!"

After so many years of this I started to think they were an "adult only" candy. Like no kid anywhere ever got to enjoy chocolate covered cherries. They fell in along the lines of "life's not fair" and "I'll tell you when you're older."

One day in college I was at the store with a friend when I spotted them on the shelf. Just a simple box of candy sitting there for any adult to buy. I had honestly forgotten that they exist. I realized "heeeeyyyy...I can buy these for myself now!" and brought a box home, anticipating their ooey gooey goodness.

They weren't nearly as good as my childhood of yearning anticipated but I still enjoy getting a box each year and feeling like I'm truly a grown up. And yes I feel a little naughty eating them because....shhhh...they're an adult only delight. 

:)

(My mom feels totally bad that she "deprived" me of these as a kid. Come on mom- you could have said "yes" at least once! I DO let Nathan have one or two each year too.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++

What is your favorite treat this time of year?

SCC (Stephen Curtis Chapman) Glorious Unfolding Tour

My friend Annie texted me a few weeks ago and asked if we wanted free tickets (yes) to see Stephen Curtis Chapman (Yes) and Jason Gray and Laura Story (uh huh)...and to meet Stephen Curtis Chapman after the concert (YEESSSSS!!!!)

Luckily I found a last second sitter and we were off for a date night!

Running late because the church it was at was in the middle of nowhere- we finally made it and were able to enjoy the show.

yes I know my camera is horrible...

Jason Gray was up first. This was the third time we have seen him and he is a talented songwriter and singer. He has a speech impediment (stutter) and it's always inspirational to see how God uses people not in spite of their weakness, but because of them (Jason's words, not mine). He had a really great point he talked about on stage about when a person is impressive then you are "impressed with their impressiveness" but when a person is broken and God uses them- then you are impressed by God's glory. It's God you see then, not the person. Got me thinking.

Oh and he's witty. Gotta love wit.

Next up- Laura Story. She sang her famous song "Blessings" with SCC. Here's a link if you haven't heard it. Her story is always heartbreaking to hear but they are overcoming it. Her husband had brain surgery 2 years after they were married and it's been a tough road.

THEN TIME FOR SCC!!!!

His songs immediately took me back to my adolescent years. He made everyone laugh and then tear up when he talked about the daughter he lost 5 years ago.

I love his new song "Love Take Me Over"

Afterwards we got to chat with SCC for a minute. Thankfully he's been rambling (looong rambles) on facebook so I had some fun things to talk to him about (like his pumpkin carvings) He was very nice and it was a privilege to meet him.

He's a wonderful example of someone who uses their talent for Christ, uses their fame to change other people's lives for the best, and keeps their priorities straight despite of fame and publicity.

It was a great date- thanks for inviting us Annie!